Just ’cause they make it in your size

Like my mama says:

just ‘cause they make it in your size don’t mean you should WEAR in your size.”

I did not heed this advice today.

In my mind the short dress with the flirty, pleated skirt atop with a ruffled peplum sweater was downright adorable. In reality? STUPID. There is reason that pleated skirts get LONGER the older you get and the bigger you grow. Pleated skirts are only cute if you are stick straight and thin. Pleats that lay flat=cute. Pleats that flare to accommodate girth=NOT CUTE.

The skirt from the front-passable. The skirt in the back? LAWSY. Evidently the width of my derriere equates to INCHES in length. I never did well in geometry but I am sure there is some advanced calculation to explain why the passable length of the skirt in the front is downright inappropriate in the back. A squared + B squared= C (ur) B.

I have tugged down this dress so many times I’ve chaffed by waistline. I am afraid to get out of my chair for fear I won’t feel the draft in time to cover the never regions. This is a seriously ridiculous outfit. The MEDIUM sweater…reality check…the only medium I need to be associated with is of the physic variety. Maybe someone with a crystal ball could look into my future and tell me when I am going to start dressing my age. The sweater is designed in an open weave knit. It has 3/4 length fitted sleeves. The deep V starts at the shoulders and is wide until the waist where a sort zipper cinches it in and allows the bottom to ruffle out. “CUUUTTTEE.” I thought as I jerked it off the garage sale rack. ‘$2 well spent’ I congratulated myself all the way home. “it’s not fitted–Medium will work JUST FINE” umm hmm. The loose knit does give it some give which is good because the deep V that starts at the shoulder was probably supposed to to a scooch closer then it actually is. I’ve tugged to lapels together so many times that I’ve worn the fabric thin on the bodice of my dress.

Age + Size=acceptable garments. I know that age and size determine what you can and can’t get away with. I’ve made peace with that. I don’t wear socks and flats anymore (yes that was once cool). I avoid sleeveless. I check the zipper on shorts to make sure they aren’t hoochy shorts. Actually shorts are sort of a thing of the past altogether come to think of it. Bathing suits have skirts now (gag). Heel height is more important they style in most cases (sigh). There are some adult changes to my wardrobe. I am NOT ready to say NEVER to short(er) skirts. Not yet. There will be years and years of mid-calf skirts in my future. Today, however, is showing me the error of that way of thinking.

They made it in my size (idiots) so I bought it in my size (moron) and today I wore it in my size (asinine).

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