Victory last Year. This year? Defeat.

Last year I did the most remarkable thing…in the most un-Libby like move EVER I agreed to participate in a physical activity with a group of girls.  GLUNK.  A) I am the least physical person you’ll ever encounter.  B) I don’t do friends well…I want to, I’ve always wanted too but I always get in my own way and C) I rarely go outside of my comfort zone. 

I did it!

I did it!

 

Suprising myself, I agreed to do it.  To run. On purpose.  To particpate with vitrual strangers.  To be bold.  To do something I didn’t expect to ever do.  I agree to it all.  More importantly…I DID IT ALL.  I made friends.  I started and I finished the race.  I completed every obstacle. I never said never….I braved my wall over a wall.  I swam across a lake.  I ran.  By GOD I ran.  I jumped and hurtled.  I wriggled and slithered.   I DID IT.   The tear tracks were the only clean part on my body when I finished the mud-swim and crossed the finish line.  My ‘medal’ is still caked in mud.  As I jogged down the last leg I was crying.  I was so amazed at myself.  So proud of myself.  I was dirty and elated.  At one point I raised my fist into the air in triumph and literally SHOUTED, ‘This fat-old lady did it.  I did it!”.  I didn’t care where I finished, I didn’t care what I looked like doing it.  For once in my life I let my best be enough.

 So…when it came time to sign up again I couldn’t wait. 

 Uh…it’s in 2 weeks.  Somehow between the stress of my job, the overwhelming lack of energy and a strong denial defense I have totally allowed this race to sneak up on me.  I am more out-of-shape then I was LAST year.  Despite the best of intentions I have does less to prepare for this race then I did for the one last year.  I am a hot, out-of-shape mess.  Though I NEED the victory, I NEED the accomplishment and I NEED to push myself out of this rut I really, really am worried that I can’t. 

 I don’t know if I can do it but I do know I can’t NOT do it.  My pride won’t let me.  Everything I gained from doing it last year—the confidence, the glee, the pride, the sheer joy of busting out of my comfort zone…it will fizzle if I don’t participate this year.   I don’t quit at anything.  It’s part of who I am.  It is the small part of me that I am proud of.  I also don’t willingly do anything that I think I can’t do.  Yet here I am, sitting here in clothes BIGGER then I wore this time last year and facing a ‘race’ in 10 days that will require me to run, push, pull and fight my way through obstacles.  I’ve lost my mind.

 The sad part—I really, really needed this victory this year.  I need to prove to me that I have some fight in me, that I can do the unexpected and that I can be more then what I am right now, this minute.  I needed to make myself proud and to prove that I could accomplish something.  I need to shake feelings of failure and average-ness.  Should I rely on a silly mud race to do that?  Probably not but I was.  Now in my attempts to boost my ego I’ve managed to let myself down even further.  Sigh. This is so not what I was going for.

 Stay tuned.

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2 thoughts on “Victory last Year. This year? Defeat.

  1. Everything that last year gave you, you get to keep no matter what happens this year. What this year gives you … is still going to be a surprise. I don’t think any of us are “ready” for this year (maybe Erica?) but we are fundamentally capable women and the race is designed to challenge but not kill us. You’ve got this.

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