The me they see

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I am always a bit jolted when the who I think I am collides with the person other people see. Such encounters are not always easy. I am pretty frank about myself. Admittedly I am: intense, a word that my friend thoughtfully dubbed me that at first seemed negative but is actually a very apt way to describe me; I can be single minded, I wear my stress on my face, I have a flair for dramatics and I don’t hold a lot of punches. You ask, I answer. I also work hard, love my children fiercely and take on more than I can handle at times. Are these all bad traits? I don’t think so. Are they all good? No. Any one of them can be positive while each of them has also been huge negatives at some point in my life. Intensity has led me to quickly learn a entirely new skill set and that same intensity is serving me well as I stick with something challenging and do my best to “get it done”. Where I see determination I think others see….I am not sure of the word, what’s a negative word for determination? My “all in” mentality works part of the time but not all of the time. I hold people accountable because I hold myself accountable. I will stick with something with a tenacity that not everyone appreciates. I know this but sometimes I am still surprised when reminded. I accept that some love me while some tolerate me.

It’s not all bad. I have a core group of friends that love me. They went to great pains to remind me of this with my “43 reasons we love you jar” that was my birthday gift. Today I needed that virtual hug so I dipped into my jar. I was as surprised about the good that I read there as I was about the misconceptions grime earlier in the day. They see me as : strong, unforgettable and funny. Complete surprises to me. I am certain the me that I know wouldn’t use any of those words as descriptions. But I trust them and I trust that they mean them so I let myself believe.

More touching were the compliments that DID mirror the me I see in the mirror. They like my frankness. They called me honest and fierce. Theses weren’t negative words from them. It’s nice to be known, truly known, and told that I am okay.

Seeing yourself from someone else’s point of view is jolting but not always disappointing. Sometimes the me that I see in their eyes is just the person I want to be.

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