Do as I say, not as I do

It’s 7:15 am and I am standing in the kitchen of all places, still in pajamas ya-yaing at my daughter.  She’s in a summer, sleeveless dress, white woven belt and is arguing that she can’t find her jacket.  After lamenting that she can’t find her jacket because of the state of her room I launch into lecture number 401-Get ready the night before.  “I sent you upstairs last night and told you to make sure you had everything ready for today.  Why is it that at 7:15 in the morning as you are supposed to be leaving for school that you discover you can’t find your jacket?”  She starts to say something but I cut her off.  “This is why we get everything ready the night before.  For reasons exactly like this,” I am on a roll. “Taking 5 minutes at night saves all this drama in the morning.  And….,” I am powerless to stop it…I feel it bubbling up and threatening to come out…Yep, here it comes….”And young lady if you would take the time to put up your clothes instead of throwing them on the FLOOR you might know where your jacket is.”

Yep.  I used the double whammy.  I can’t just stop at the lack of preparation.  I have to add state of her room.  And I am not done, “I bought you that jacket for the first day of school to go with that dress so I KNOW you have one.  If you would be responsible and put your clean clothes, THAT WE WASH, in the drawers and closet where they BELONG you would know where your jacket was,” I am just revving up.  “You know….”going for the trifecta here, “it’s rude that you throw clothes that WE bought and that WE washed on the floor.  The least you could do is to put your clothes AWAY when they are clean,”  While I am at it I might as well cover everything.  “Speaking of washing clothes, it’s time you took on more responsibility around here.  I shouldn’t have to ask you to fold the clothes in the clothes basket in the den.”  Yes, clothes basket-in-the-den.  Should have stopped right there but I trudged on ahead.  “I don’t think it’s too much to ask for you be responsible,” why stop there?  “And no more getting dressed in the laundry room.  You have a room.  The laundry room is not a storage facility for when you run out of FLOOR SPACE.”

It’s now 7:25.  I am still in the kitchen and am now slightly out of breath from my tirade.  Good thing that bath water is still in the tub since I’ve worked myself into a sweat.  Daughter  is now weepy eyed and, while I was nagging,  has unearthed a black hoodie emblazoned with red and silver sequins obnoxiously spelling out “CARLOS BAKERY HOBOKEN NEW JERSEY”  to wear over the sleeveless pink dress and white woven belt and….oh lord…short boots.  She is a hoochy train wreck.  “And now you have to go to school looking,” by the grace of GOD I didn’t say stupid, which is what I was thinking, “Looking like THAT,” dramatic sigh, ” You are late.  You can’t find your jacket and you’ve made everyone else late.  Go brush your teeth and get your book bag.”

From the kitchen I take the 2 necessary steps to get into the laundry room where I dig thru the impressive stack of clothes on my shelf searching for something to wear.  There is nothing.  I open the door of the dryer and dig for a minute.  Then I shout,”Phil did you wash a load of our clothes?  I can’t find any underwear.”  He comes out and makes the same rifling attempt to find a ‘set of drawers’ as my mamma says.  He too comes up empty.  I head over to the basket of unfolded clothes in the den.  I dig and dig and dig but no undies.  HUMPRH.  He’s in the laundry room digging, I am standing IN MY PAJAMAS hands on my hips like sheer will is going to make a pair of underwear materialize.

It is now 7:34.  Past leaving time for me and the kiddos.  “Great.  Now we are late!”  I holler upstairs for Kinsley only to discover she’s already n the car.   Poppy volunteers to take the kids to school.  He escapes.

I make another trip to the dryer.  Thank goodness for static cling.  I spot a pair of undergarments stuck to a…hey…that fits…outfit. ” I’ll wear that”, I think since I had no idea what I was going to wear before spotting this clean shirt and blouse.  Quickly I tug the undies from the outfit and get dressed right there in the laundry room.

Once dressed it dawns on my that I have leftovers for lunch.  I pack a lunch bag.   Toddler sees me packing a lunch bag and decides she’s hungry. Navigate my way through that tantrum…(code for I gave in and have her a cookie for the road) and start the morning key search.  Of course to locate the keys i have to put down my purse, my lunch bag, my bosses gift and my daughters snack bag that I relented to when I gave in and let her have her cookie.  I can’t find the keys.  I panic before remembering that we didn’t get home until after 9 last night and I was tired.  Very tired.  Too tired to take the keys out of the car.   So I head that way and sure enough…there are the keys.

I am halfway to work before the irony of the morning hits me…like a ton of bricks slap dab between the eyes….follow me here.

  • Lectured my daughter for not having her clothes ready the night before while I stood in my pajamas because I had no idea what I was going to wear.  AND had to pack a lunch of leftovers that were leftover from the night before—they could have been packed then.
  • Phase II of the lecture was about the condition of her room yet I had to go into the DEN to RIFLE thru a CLOTHES basket in search of underwear.
  • Part of my tirade was that she didn’t put her clothes away after they were washing and the rudeness that surrounded that yet I had obviously not done enough laundry recently to know if there were clean underwear and in searching for a pair I had to dig on my clothes still on the shelf in the laundry room.
  • The speech on responsibility came from the women that left the keys in the car overnight.
  • I judged on the hoochiness of her outfit while I pulled my own outfit-purchased for a dollar from a consignment sale-straight from the dryer.
  • I was late BEFORE I started the lecture…in my pajamas…in the kitchen…with bath water still in the tub.

Due to late hours, late softball games and a bevy of responsibilities things have gone off track a bit around the house.  I thought I was keeping it all together until I replayed the morning in my head.

My mama used to say, “Do as I say, NOT as I do” and today that seemed like very sound advice.


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