In the Wee Hours

In the wee hours of the morning…

At 12am I am thankful. Thankful for my lite chunky monkey curled up beside me-snoring with her arms flung wide and her legs thrown over mine. I am thankful for her big sister on the other side of the queen bed. I am grateful for my son tucked upstairs. I am appreciative of my friends who are rallying around me and mine. At 12:00.

At 2:00am I plan. I plan paint colors and furniture arrangements. I mentally pack and unpack. I schedule and plan. At 2:00am I concentrate on the business end of the mess my life has become.

At 3:30 am I get scared. At 3:30am I worry about me littlest one and how her new world will effect her. I worry about how my decisions will impact my older ones. I fret about my ability to “do this” on my own. I run numbers in my head over and over again hoping each time that the totals will be different. At 3:30am.

At 5:00 am the emotions of the mess my life has become kicks in. Tears leak out if the corner on my eyes as I picture my future-alone. The hurt happens at 5:00 am when the house is dark and quiet.

Every night I am sure that THIS night will bring blessed sleep. I lie down exhausted from the fitful night before sure that my mind will rest. And I fall asleep. I go to sleep resolute that nothing else can be done right then and that there is nothing needing to be worried over for a few hours and that I am a lucky, lucky mom. That’s how my nights start.

And then comes 12.

And then comes 2:00.

3:30 rolls.

5:00a a too soon is next.

I wish I were a productive insomniac. Wish I could clean house or iron clothes or sew a blouse. At least then the time would be useful. But only my mind works at 12, 2 and 3:30. My eyes stay gritty and my head pounds. My body aches from flipping and flopping and contorting myself around the dog and the daughters piles into my bed. I spent time calculating—if I fall asleep RIGHT NOW I can get 6 hours, 4 hours….before the alarm goes off.

I scroll Facebook, check emails and try and quiet my brain. When that does r work I turn on the tv. Law and Order SVU has become my friend. It’s on all the time. How many episodes can there possibly be???? I do everything but sleep. Should I bundle? How am I going to handle summer swim? Will I ever be able to go to the beach again? Will we be able to share such a small space? What can I do to thank everyone who has been so great to me? What’s wrong with me? How did I get here-again? Will baby girl ever understand? Will my big girl choose better? Will my fella understand how to be a better husband, friend and provider then what he’s seen?

At 10p I am tired. At 12a I am thankful. At 2a I am scared, at 3:30 I hurt and at 5 I am panicked that it’s too late to get enough sleep to handle the day ahead.

That song from Sleepless in Seattle
, “…in the wee small hours of the morning…” Is running they my head. Let’s hope it acts as a lull-a-bye.

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