3 weeks ago I was part of a We. Happily part of a We. Blissfully unaware that the WE I thought I was part of wasn’t true, wasn’t real. I didn’t know that even then my WE was really Me + Me. That combination never = a We.
WE were planning a get away vacation. WE had been working incredibly hard–wait a minute-that was my first ME. I had been working incredibly hard-unaware that the other 1/2 of me wasn’t. So I participated on the daydreams of Seattle or some other romantic destination. Too bad WE didn’t know how impossible that would be. WE hadn’t gotten away, reconnected or been alone in what seemed like forever. And so WE planned. But this half if WE had no idea that it was all for naught.
2 days before the my world stopped WE spent hours driving from a weekend getaway talking of one of our bucket list items…a small shack on the beach that was ours for an entire month. The other half of my WE planned right along with me. It felt so nice to have a shared dream that felt so possible.
Only one of us knew that a trip-any sort of trip-including the one we were on would be out of the question. An impossibility…a luxury we literally couldn’t afford. Becoming a ME hurts a little bit more because that weekend that I held so dear at my favorite place -the beach-is forever ruined. ALL THAT IT WASwill tell you about that weekend. But that memory is forever tarnished as the weekend before I knewor the weekend WE couldn’t afford. WE had already become ME and I didn’t even know it.
I’ve already done a lot that WE used to do. I cheer all alone at the softball games. It’s ME that tucks in my baby girl. There is no WE working through the horrible decisions-only Me.
Only Me sleeping in my pretty room that I thought was my sanctuary. Well not quite…my little girl snuggles beside me and the dog snuggles with her. “Sleeping single in a double bed” by Barbara Mandrel rang in my head tonight. Then a small hand whopped me across the nose and the lyrics stopped. Though I am not LITERALLY sleeping alone it really is only ME.
It’s me-not WE worrying about swim schedules and softball practice. It’s only ME worried about -well- worried about all there is to worry about.
I don’t want to be Me. I’ve always wanted to be part of a WE. I believe in WE-or thought I did. I wanted to make decisions together, to weather storms together, to build a future -together. I wanted to face hard times united. I wanted to be the strong half of We when it was needed and to know that my other 1/2 was strong in those moments that I couldn’t be. But it takes 2 to be a We. It doesn’t work if one half if WE only thinks and acts like a Me.
Selfishly I wanted to be taken care of. I wanted to lay my head I a strong shoulder and find comfort. I wanted to catch a glance across the room and know that WE found the same situation funny. I wanted to lay in bed and whisper about “one day” and “I hope”. Being part of a We meant snuggling on cold nights. It meant shared likes-warm-gooey pretzels any place WE traveled. I wanted a WE that fit. A We that complimented one another. I wanted my other 1/2 to be my friend, my biggest ally and my best friend. Being part of a WE meant always having a champion, always having someone to watch your back.
Being a Me means doing it alone. Doing all of it alone. It means crying in bed, scared and lonely. It means shouldering every burden, carrying every worry and facing every storm as just a Me.
I can’t share dreams as a Me. I can have them, maybe, but I can’t share them. Dreams and plans and wishes and hopes don’t seem as powerful when they are just mine.
My WE became ME out of the blue. Until the very second I found out how long WE had been ME I still believed. But knowing WE had been ME for 6
Months was more than I can bare.
It was ME not WE at Christmas. The Christmas that was I felt totally loved and cherished. The Christmas of my song- my song about WE AND THE POWER OF US and it was all a lie. Everytime I said or thought WE in the past 6 months has been a lie. It was only me. Two ME’s pretending to be a WE.
My WE became ME when I wasn’t looking.
Being me-and just me-instead of a WE
makes me sad. It hurts. Someone chose to not be a part of my WE. They had a we and they chose to be a ME instead. They had ME but didn’t want me. If I wasn’t enough…if I didn’t matter enough to be part of a WE then how am I going to be enough as just me? WE is stronger than ME. Or at least I thought it was.