For awhile I worried that this “situation” would define me. People will judge-they will judge my choice to go and some will judge my choice not to stay. They will whisper when I leave the room about me. They will sometimes be sorry for me or some will be a bit angry with me. I can’t help any of that.
I will not be defined by this. I will not be only the 2-time divorcee who naively and stupidly and blinded trusted the untrustworthy. I am that but I won’t be ONLY that.
For awhile I threw away everything that held a memory. I didn’t want those memories. I still don’t want most of them but I am not so quick to throw them all away now. There are things that were part of “then” that I’ve decided to bring to the “now”.
Months into THE BIG LIE he offered to re-do our bedroom. I was touched and set about creating a calm little oasis that made me feel serene and happy. When I found out about THE BIG LIE it tainted my sanctuary. It wasn’t calming-it was mocking. Mocking me for believing what I thought to be a sweet and thoughtful gesture but was really a distraction. The oversized live letters out the wall shamed me because they talked about our new life and happiness and our beginning. When you know the ending and it’s not happily ever afterit taints the beginning.
When I moved I didn’t think I would have a sanctuary in my itty bitty new place. Didn’t think I could create calm and pretty in a space 1/2 the size with only 1/2 the occupants of my old room.
But I did. I did. This oasis is mine. It’s full of memory’s-not bad ones but old cherished ones. I have my grandmothers teacups. A framed rendering of Audrey Hepburns costume from SABRINA FAIR because I was Sabrina! I have framed handkerchiefs from my grandmother and a shadow box with a antique christening gown she sewed. My aunt recently reminded me if what a strong woman my grandmother was so it seems fitting to surround myself with her things. I wake up looking at a print my friend Erica gave me because she knows I love the ocean. I have a glass jar full of river stones from an afternoon skipping rocks. I have an handmade quilt that was made for my daughter and a framed print of my daughters sandy toes on mind. I almost didn’t hang it but then I realized it’s the picture that makes me happy regardless of who took it.
So I’ve recreated my oasis. Some things have old memories that I’ll have to separate-some are things with sentiment and some are reminders of my new life. And they all meld. Years of memories overlapping and coming together in my pretty, simple and serene new world.
THISdoesn’t define me. I define me and the stories I’ve told and the things that I’ve done are my stories. And my things are my illustrations. They tell my story but I get to decide what part of the story they tell.
And yes-that is a photo bomb in the background but I didn’t crop it out because now I have proof that she does know where the vacuum is kept.