Don’t Wanna!

I don’t wanna!

I wanna be 4 years old and stamp my food petulantly on the ground, cross my arms over my chest, poke out my bottom lip and “hmrph”.

Like a sullen, bratty toddler who has gone too long without a nap-I want to shove my hands over my ears as say,”No! No! No!” Until the words I don’t want to hear are drowned out.

I want to crawl up in someone’s lap with my favorite security blanket, tuck my head down in a shoulder and stick my thumb in my mouth.

I wanna have a old fashion fit. The kind where I throw myself on the floor, kick my legs, pound my fist and scream until a) I feel better b) get my way or c) pass out in exhaustion.

I wanna cry out, “I don’t wanna and you can’t make me!!”

I wanna poke out my quivering bottom lip and whine, “..,but it’s not fair.” More importantly I wanna be young and naive and still believe that if something isn’t fair then something is done to fix it.

I don’t wanna do this anymore. I don’t wanna bargain for my life back. I don’t wanna fight. I don’t wanna give in nor so I want to give up. I don’t want to be made into someone ugly just because I am doing whats best. I don’t want to be angry or bitter or bitchy. I don’t wanna be strong. I don’t wanna be sad anymore. I don’t wanna know that there isn’t a Santa or a happily ever after or that magic isn’t real. I don’t wanna have to figure it all out in my own. I just don’t wanna! If I were 4 I could pout and say,”I don’t wanna!” and get away with it. I wanna be 4.

I don’t wanna be ashamed and embarrassed anymore. I don’t wanna be humiliated. I wanna be carefree. I want my only worries to be learning to skip or what I am going to get for bed snack. I wanna sing songs when I am happy. Clap-clap.

I don’t wanna be the only one making every single decision. I don’t wanna feel the pressure of being in charge all the time. I don’t wanna be tough and strong and stoic. I don’t wanna be scared of the dark or worried about monsters under my bed.

I wanna cry. Just plop right down wherever I am and cry to my hearts content. When the tears are spent I wanna pop right up and forget what made me so sad in the first place. You can do that when you are 4.

I wanna be 4 but I am not. I am almost 44. What I wanna do or don’t wanna do is irrelevant.

I don’t wanna be a big girl. I don’t wanna.

I wanna feel like this…

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