So I haven’t written this week. I’ve tried but in the end I just deleted. Might has well have simply typed “see last week” or “see week before that”
and so on and so on and so on. So I just didn’t write anything.
Truth is that this week isn’t like last week or the week before. This week brought an ounce more clarity. Clarity sucks. It’s necessary but it sucks. If my child were to say this I would demand “use your words” but there just isn’t any other word to use. Back when it felt like every phone call brought some horrible new piece is clarity I had a friend tell me that it wasn’t okay but that it would be okay. Someday.
Someday is not today.
I spent last weekend embarrassing myself by falling apart over a garage sale. Selling stuff taken right off the walls of my daughters room because she no longer had her own room was just more then I had left. I watched my life being sold off a quarter at a time. And I just couldn’t do it. I don’t often admit that I can’t do stuff. Over a damn garage sale I admitted it over and over and over but to no avail. It was like no one heard. And that was as bad as doing it-admitting a weakness-a fault and having that admission just be erased. In the end the sale happened and I had to do it. I didn’t do it well. I took more than one crying break. In the end I had $67, puffy eyes and a re-broken heart but I also got the ability to park my car.
This week also brought the official end of my home. I signed on the dotted line to agree to let someone else try to sell it for a bargain. Something I worked so hard for just is going away. PFFFFT. Gone. And it’s going away in a humiliating fashion. It’s a legal version if yelling “MY BAD” when asking someone to fix a problem you caused. I don’t tend to do that too well either.
And because I tend to go big or go home this week also brought some clarity as to the ending of this. Clarity. And at this point I could write: see post from any week prior to this because at this point every emotion that I’ve has since April 17th reappeared. Practice does not make perfect because I’ve practiced over and over and over again and am still not good at handling them.
So here I am-back where I started. Sort of. Now I am back where I started only with LOTS more clarity. Despite getting lots and lots and lots of clarity I am not any better at saying this is other way-clarity sucks.