2015

A writer writes. A writer writes because that’s the only way they have to say what they feel, to fix what’s broken or to right what’s wrong.

I wrote and discarded several 2014 post. I tried to write what I felt but it sounded pity riddled and whiny. I tried to write with some wit and dry humor but that didn’t go so well either. In the end I didn’t post. 2014 took enough from me. I decided not to give it any more.

So I am going to start 2015 with a post. I am siting on the couch with a dog curled up on my lap. Big boy is upstairs laughing with his best buddy. Big girl sent me a text at 12:01 that said she hasn’t told me she loved me ALL YEAR. She’s 12 so she thinks it’s hilarious. She also texted that she couldn’t believe we hadn’t fought all year. My baby girl is with her daddy. I didn’t call her because it makes me sad to not be with her and I didn’t want her to hear sad. I’ll see her tomorrow. She will be happy tonight and I’ll be happy tomorrow when all my babies are back in my nest. For now I will be happy that they are all happy and content.

Candles are burning—mainly to hide the dog smell since we have company but it’s created a nice ambience that made my cozy home glow happily. It’s smells yummy too.

I have friends who have sent notes in Facebook wishing me a good year. Today I got to hug my mom. The new jeans I bought were not an embarrassing size. I have shredded chicken all ready for the weekend. There is a swim meet on Saturday. I just drove safely through 4 states because I have a reliable car now. Thanks to help I was able to give my bigs  a christmas  adventure. It’s all very, very simple but it’s also very good.

I say all that to say this: it’s not a grand life but it’s good and solid and comfortable—or it will be. Life isn’t what I expected nor what I wanted it to be but as my very dear friend quoted today,”life is what happens when you are making other plans.” It’s true. I was planning one life and another one was happening. The life that was happening is the one that I need to pay attention to. The one I had planned…well it’s not real.

This year I will try and live the life I have-not the life I wanted. I am loved by friends I waited my whole life to find. I have a family that loves me and that I love in return. My job is challenging and I have been able to rise to the challenge thus far. My boss is my friend and believes in me. I have forgiven some injustices and will work to make peace with some others. The things I can’t understand or forgive I will try to just let go of. Anything else just gives power to the bad which takes away from the good.

I am not a glass 1/2 full kind is girl. I am also not a glass 1/2 empty girl. I am simply a “it’s a glass. It has water”sort of gal. So I can’t wax poetic about what was and won’t gloss over what will be. I will, however, look at my night-my year – and recognize what is good and deal with what was bad. I’ll spend my efforts on what is nice-like a cozy home lit with candles and won’t focus on what is not so nice-being without my baby girl.

I’ll not say good-bye to 2014 because I am happy to see it go and to bid it farewell is too polite. I won’t make grand resolutions for 2015 because I don’t want to waste my time planning a life instead of living the one I’ve been given.

It’s a new year-a new start. It’s a new life. A new day. That is that and that is all. If we start our year like we ended our year than I am happy with what 2015 will bring—a quiet resolve to accept and to appreciate what IS and to not dwell or regret want ISN’T. If I can do that in the new year-at least part of the time than I will be okay. And okay is okay.

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