I am very rarely proud of me.
Today-in the wee hours of this morning-I am. I am admitting to being proud of me.
I looked disappointment, disillusionment, disheartment (is that a word??! I know it’s a feeling but I can’t swear that it’s an actual word) and dejection straight in the eye and said,”No.” These are powerful adversaries but they didn’t beat me…not this week anyway.
I did the right thing even when no one was watching-even when no one but me cared. And I did it simply because it was the right thing to do. I did me. And I did me knowing there was no reward, no prize, no recognition at the end…and I was okay. I did me all week. I did what I do and what had to be done because my core values wouldn’t allow any less.
For all the ways my stubbornness, black/white beliefs and intensity are faults there are times when they are strengths…this week I found the strengths in who I am. I didn’t deny my disappointments but I didn’t dwell on them either. Acknowledging that it is what it is without succumbing to the “yuckiness” of what it is wasn’t easy….but I did it. And in doing so I found a little pride in who I am at my core.
There’s a saying that says:
You never really know someone until you see how they handle lost luggage, rainy days and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I never knew until tonight that these simple yet wise words were from Maya Angelou. No wonder they speak so true. I didnt lose luggage but I lost something greater-faith in something-but I gained some knowledge of me by the way I handled parts of that loss. Maya’s right. A loss, a disappointment, a frustration bring out some true character. I am pleased, not at the events, but at the character I saw in me.
It’s 3am. It’s dark and quiet and I’ve got no distractions from my brain or my thoughts. Will I admit to being proud of me in the bright light of day? No. But in this moment-wide awake with the racing thoughts of all the week was-I am choosing to find something good in a pile of yucky. I am choosing to be proud of me over being disappointed in the circumstances that have me awake and thinking at 3am.
Maya speaks lots is simple but true words. Another of her quotes spoke to me tonight:
I did that this week.
I am proud of that.
I am proud of me.