Odd and out of sorts 

Odd weekend. 

Friday’s big game that I had been looking so forward to was tainted by a troll of a dad. I barely remember the game over my seething that despite having a 0 bullying policy for our children we allow Some fathers to bully school teachers into making decisions that teach our children that he who whines loudest wins. My daughter didn’t get to play 2nd against her travel teammates. She didn’t get to proudly play in-field against a group of girls that only think of her as an outfielder. She was disappointed. I was devastated for her. Once again my beautiful girl suprised me. She showed more character than the adults in the situation and took the field with a smile and have 100% in the field. Her batting belayed her emotions. She walked once only to get out when a line drive hit her foot as she took off for 2nd and struck out. 

We celebrated some good plays with pizza and a beer for me. It was hard ordering a beer a) by myself and b) to drink by myself. Grabbing a pizza and a beer after a game just seemed a very couple-y think to do on a Friday night. But I did it-alone-and drank it-determined not to let it matter that it was just me and my bigs. 

Saturday I had to watch a delated group of girls get beat-again. That was expected. The slumped shoulders and silent dug-out was not. Residual damage from losing the only coach that gave them hope. 9 girls let down by the actions of men. We’d started with such momentum and spirit. It was gone. 

To distract everyone (me) we went to the mall. We parked and were immediately smack dab in the middle of a details at 11p kind of story that involved a foot race, the brandishing of a gun right in front of us—not at us—and police. No one got hurt but it was a rather jolting reality that guns are much more a part of our reality then I realized. 

A quick lunch was required for us to sit down as our knees were all a bit shaky. We sat and the 3 of us ordered. I was acutely aware that we were surrounded by couples. Only I sat alone. Everyone else was partnered. For the 2nd day in a row I was alone in a situation that clearly reminded me that life was built for 2. My bigs didn’t notice. They were happy to be eating out. We ate quickly and got out of there. 

Saturday night my big girl and I watched a movie about a mom being forced to let go of her college age son. At one point the struggling mom asked a male character about his relationship with his mother. She asked about what he wanted from her and he answered,”I wanted her to have her own life!” It was one line in an hour and a half movie but I couldn’t shake it. I’d spent all day with my bigs. I’d loved it but I wondered…was I suffocating my bigs and making them wish I had my own life so I wasn’t so intertwined in theirs? 

Another thought kept me up most of the night….what do I do to create my own life? 

Sunday I spent the day around friends. Though surrounded I felt isolated. Just one is those days where I couldn’t make my smile light up my eyes. I wanted to but couldn’t quite fake it well enough. 

I spent Sunday evening trying to figure out a way to share in an adventure my baby bug is going to be having soon. Nothing made logical sense. She’ll experience a magical experience without me or her brother and sister and it makes me incredibly sad. It upsets my big daughter too. She wanted to be the one who introduced her baby sister to the princesses. She’s bothered that she can’t/won’t get to. I am touched that it matters to her. 

Now I am looking for a disrtacrion for September when I have a day off. For when my girls is at the place shes dreamt of…without me. I can’t find one that makes sense. Adventures aren’t cheap. 

My little bug waits for me in my bed. It’s time to put down my phone and snuggle up to her. She’s already asking if I am  working tomorrow. She’s already cried when I said yes. She’s already antsy and edgy about school tomorrow. I am already antsy  too with words from her teacher echoing in my head,”….she seems so lost….” Knowing my girl isn’t assimilating and seems lost at school makes me feel hollow inside. I can’t fix it for her. I can’t not send her. I can’t do anything but pray she finds some peace about school-a place she will be for another 12 years. 

I’ll do a little praying myself tonight. This week is sure to be trying. I find myself antsy and edgy just like my little one. Maybe she’s not the only one feeling lost. 

But there’s not time for that. 2 softball games, 3 practices, a dentist appointment, a softball tournament, drivers Ed….life is in full swing with no time to rest. 


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