9th level of hell

I have found that 9th level of hell…internet dating sites. 

Seriously, if your divorce didn’t a) totally destroy your faith in humanity or b) totally make you feel like an unwanted failure or c) embarrass you then internet dating will certainly take care of the job. 

I am not even dating. I was just checking out the situation. Some single ladies at work were talking about the advantages of the service and I thought why not?? Can’t change your story if you don’t escape your comfort zone–right? So I thought hey-what do I have to lose. 

Now I know better. Self-esteem, pride, any semblance of confidence left-that’s what there is to lose. 

First of all-let’s point out some helpful tips that are missing from the instructions: 

  1. If you are choosing a picture for a dating profile perhaps it’s best to NOT select a WEDDING PHOTO. 
  2. While on the subject of pictures…there should never, ever be a single moment when a grown man thinks it’s a good idea to take a selfie in his underwear to use as a profile picture. Ever.
  3. Selfies in general where the camera is showing in the mirror are a little lame. 
  4. Mug shots are also frowned upon when presenting yourself to the eligible ladies. 
  5. LEARN TO CROP PEOPLE. That’s all I am saying. 
  6. Think and re-think your “handle”. ExtraHole or 2hot4u might not be the best choices. Of course they are better than longdong or 8xtraBigHands. 
  7. Holding your hands in the shape of a heart over your heart with the headline, it’s all for you might work for someone. Maybe. 
  8. If you dress out at 300+ it might be a little hypocritical to request your potential mate be toned-slender and athletic. Just sayin’
  9. Isn’t honesty implied in a relationship??? Oh wait a minute-…I can answer that one.
  10. If your profile consists of a laundry list of what YOU expect of HER you might not see a lot of action. 

Not that I’ve got this all figured out. Not by a long shot. I mistakenly thought I was moving anonymously through profiles. Unfortunately my phone slipped and I “winked” at someone. Turns out there is not UN-wink button. I fretted a minute or two and then channeled my new found confidence and thought “what’s the worst that can happen?”

Uh…now I know. He saw my wink and checked out my profile. And promptly went on his merry way. Mortifying. I wanted to type back,”I didn’t really wink at you. I just had something in my eye.” Yeah-that would show him. 

So this sadistic site has a place for you to see who has viewed your profile. I made the mistake of clicking that button. So far a few candidates have checked out my profile. How nice I naively thought. Then I realized…To my horror…no one seems to like what they see. How humiliating is that?  I recognized a few of the faces I had viewed in my daily feed.  Well that’s embarrassing. They came-they saw-they left. Ouch. 

I didn’t really want to date yet-I was just testing my toes. Good thing. Cause other then the dude straight out of the ‘bad and the busted’ nary a soul thinks I am winkable. The song stranded at the drive thru, stranded a fool keeps running through my head. Maybe I should be humming “dating site drop out” since it appears I appear to be a dating site failure. 

Guess maybe I should have waited until I’d re-lost weight. 


7 thoughts on “9th level of hell

  1. I think it takes a little time & exposure to acclimate oneself to the environment of online dating sites. I viewed the whole thing as a learning experience and a challenge to step out of my comfort zone. That way I felt like a success whether I got attention or not.
    Oh, and I also browsed through the profiles of other women in my demographic just to see what I was up against. That was both helpful and interesting.

    • This was mainly to test my own courage and to expand my comfort zone. I didn’t expect attention but boy does it sting when you don’t get any! I don’t know whether to be grateful or sad. :). Honestly I am probably more grateful. I don’t even know if I would know what to do on a date. Thanks for the encouragement

  2. OMG your helpful tips are hilarious. As someone who has not experienced internet dating I can’t exactly feel your pain but man oh man am I going to back off my mom about getting on allthefishes.com

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