Not Enough

This week the universe has, twice, taken the best I have to offer and resoundingly replied, “NOT ENOUGH.”

There are many parts of my life I’ve accepted being not enough. I am not outgoing enough to be popular. I am not disciplined enough to be thin. I am not savvy enough to be rich. I am not flirty enough to date. I am not athletic enough to be a runner. Those I accept. 

There are parts of my life that get extra attention because I yearn to be enough. My jobs get my energy—my job as a mother and my day job. And in both this week my very best wasn’t enough. 

As a single working mom there are acceptable areas of failure. You learn to forgive yourself for a sticky floor in weeks when multiple children have multiple activities. Happy meals with apple slices and milk count  as a well balanced meal every once in awhile. Those dress pants you wore last week aren’t soooooo wrinkled that they can’t be worn one more time. I’ve given myself a pass on being a domestic goddess or a fashionista. Not being enough in those parts of life are okay. 

Decembers are hard. I had given myself a pass in my weight. Not at what I weigh but at bashing myself for what I weigh. I had forgiven myself for putting the weight back in after losing it last yeas and had vowed to focus on that next year. And not being enough in that area became, temporarily, okay.  And it was okay until I felt mocked by my kindness to myself today. 

Not being enough in other areas of my life aren’t okay. I am not okay not being enough. 

My friend said I shouldn’t look for validation from the outside and that being enough for me is what matters. I don’t understand that. Validation is important to me. After a hard few years of struggle and feeling the weight of not being enough to keep a home or a husband  in tact I looked forward to finally being ably to take a deep breath and think-here, in this-I am enough. It’s been a long while since I felt validated. After a painful divorce and a struggle to re-invent myself and my vision of what my life would look like I was ready to feel a sense of victory at having validation for who I am. But I didn’t get it.  That’s what I explained to my friend. In 2 areas of my life I thought I was enough-that I was doing enough, trying hard enough or giving enough to be proud. The validation I looked for was to support my belief that-while not enough in parts of my life-there were parts that I was enough. 

And that brought balance for me. 

But now I am off balance. 

There are hundreds of pins on Pinterest about believing in yourself and being courageous enough to spread your wings to fly. 

   
But there aren’t any for what happens what happens when you don’t fly. The truth is believing you can or that you will doesn’t mean you can or you will. Believing you are enough doesn’t matter if no one else does too. Sometimes you take a leap-take a chance and you fail. I understand getting up, dusting off and trying again but how many times do you have to fall befor you admit-I’ll never fly?

For the past few weeks I’ve prayed for the peace to accept the outcomes of some chances I took. I didn’t pray for the outcomes I wanted. I sincerely prayed and felt like I had achieved a sense of peace about what was to be. But it wasn’t enough. What I thought was a budding faith isn’t enough because here I am-restless and hurt and not at all at peace. I listened to my soul soothing song “just be held”  no less than 10 times today but I didn’t get my soul soothed. I just got sad and wondered why am I not enough?
Where am I enough? That’s what I need to know. That is the question I need answered because I honesty don’t know. I suppose a bigger question is how do I become enough for the people and in the places it matters? 

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3 thoughts on “Not Enough

  1. So much of what you say resonates with me, I just want to give you a hug and say everything is going to be alright. But then I remember all the Januarys I said, “Well, that year sucked monkey d*ck, this year HAS to be better. And then it wasn’t. Looking back all I can say is I didn’t die. And you haven’t died. You are restless and hurt and sad and still alive. You are facing failure (and I wonder about that) because you tried something, and you are still asking questions. That counts for everything.

    • Thank you! I am down but not OUT. I am queen of “well that didn’t work…now what” and starting anew. I’ll do that again this time. It’s just taking a little bit more energy and oomph to pick myself up these days. Thanks for taking the time to reach out.

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