Wee hour ramble 

2:20 am and, like clockwork, BAM! I am awake. Echoes of worries,  of to-do items, things needing attention, unresolved stressors and of events to come finally get so loud that sleep because impossible and I am jerked wide awake already in full worry mode without even the buffer of a almost asleep but sort of awake state. Nope. There is no mid-slumber state. It’s like my subconscious explodes with the weight of it all and the force POPS my eyes open and signals my mind to begin racing at warp speed. 

Like a worn down battery-I need to re-charge. Like a computer system I need to turn off and let everything refresh. I know I do. Irrationally it’s one of the things swirling in my head at 2am…the thought that even if I go to sleep right now I onky get 3 hours and 40 minutes before the alarm. I mentally see the old discs of an antiquated alarm clock that hover and with a thwack flip to reveal a new time every 60 seconds. At each change in minute my brain recalculates the exact amount is sleep I am missing. Like I needed the reminder. Equally irrationally are the thoughts that I am going to have to get up earlier to apply the massive amounts of concealed that the bags under my eyes are going to require. 

At 2:22am everything is a big deal. 

  • How do you calculate the difference between 2 dates in excel?
  • I need to go to the bank.
  • What clothes did little bug wear from her dads house last week because he will expect them back which means she has to wear them today.
  • Can I miss the 11am meeting to do what needs to be done for the 3p meeting?
  • Teen-queen didn’t wash her spirit jersey and she has to wear it tomorrow. Wait a monitor-she’s never washed it despite being told to.  Gonna have to take her phone.
  • Need to leave at 4:30 to get to said way game today but the meeting will run until 4 and then the interface has to be done which will take an hour at least….
  • Didn’t put little bugs snack in her bookbag…..
  • Gotta pay the lunchroom…
  • Crap-she can’t wear a hoodie to day care but she won’t wear the coat.
  • Did I schedule that dudes flight for his on-site interview?
  • Big man needs to do the dishes before he heads to youth group group with his girlfriend 
  • I have nothing to wear tomorrow that fits!
  • Need to exceecise
  • Can’t exceecise Thursday-have to meet about little bugs school issues
  • I should get her teacher flowers
  • Damn I wish I had someone to hold me tight right now that I could talk to about all of this
  • I don’t want to be that lonely old lady that….
  • Clothes didn’t her moved go dryer-they will sour. Oh yeah. Load in dryer not dry. Dryer broken. Need to do something about that…
  • Dang. I never called shoot garage door. 
  • Did I pay the motrgage?
  • Should I get up and do the clothes?
  • Great….only 3 hours before the alarm
  • Snuggle bug will be climbing into my bed any minute
  • Could I make runners that look like lane ropes for that swim banquet!?
  • I should do an end of season goodie bag for the cheerleaders 
  • Is shy bug ready to try little league again?
  • Will I always be this lonely?
  • Need to check with dad on car…
  • I should get up early and wash my hair…
  • He said I was boring and selfish and a horrible wife…guess he was right
  • I need to call heather.
  • …and jean…she wanted to go to that movie and needed one of us to go with her…
  • How can I get to store for a get well bag for Lisa! What should I put in there.
  • Dog food. 
  • Not dog food for Lisa-need to get that when I get her stuff…chicken soup maybe
  • I gotta lose weight.
  • I need to run the query off the grades and compare it to the license list
  • He do you use the compare tool on excel?
  • &”@@ I needed to have a list ready for the 9am meeting
  • I need to schedule the work flow….
  • I wish the kids could take peanut butter and jelly to school.
  • I am going to be no good tomorrow. 
  • This is stupid. I need sleep!
  • I need a hug. 
  • I need a better hiding place for the key. 
  • I need to find out when I can take Bailee to Disney. 
  • Crying will only make my eyes puffier tomorrow. 
  • Wish I lived closer to Bille Jo’s Zumba studio. She’s so positive. And so pretty-still. 
  • I need to write about real stuff. 
  • Who cares what I write.
  • I am going to be useless tomorrow. 
  • I miss having a partner in life.
  • I am out of saline.
  • Crying won’t help. 

And so goes the wee hour ramble of an over-wrought single mom with more worries than answers, more to-do items than time and more sad than I know what to do with. Not that I think I am unique. There is a world full of non-sleeping-working moms out there who probably have a rambling list as long as mine. 

3:20. If I go to sleep right now…..


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