I am okay

Anyone who has had a life altering event will tell you that the changes of seasons reeks havoc on your self of well being. There is a moment(s) of panics where all that the season used to be comes flooding back and you convince yourself you’ll never enjoy the summer/fall/spring/winter again. 

The memories of THEN become perfect and the idea that you can’t re-create them instills fear. In truth the moments weren’t perfect but your brain forgets those irritations and settles only on the perceived used to be. 

Like the tide the panic eventually ebbs and you have moments of nostalgia but you learn to ride those out. You busy yourself either trying to create new moments or forgetting the old ones. Either will do. 

This weekend was low tide. 

I attended a swim meet-alone-and didn’t feel lonely. My boy took 3 surprising blue ribbons against some of his stiffest competition and swam a photo finish race against his best friend. My girl was finally home and made me proud as she had 3 good races of her own. Afterwards boy went to work while girl and I shopped around. No stress. No fuss. No one to answer to. Just me and my big girl and a hot summer day. 

Sunday was a much needed lazy day. I had planned to sleep late but FaceTime prevented that. My baby girl wanted to say hi. Soon after my big girls daddy asked for his daughter to join him at church. So I was awake. I leisurely drank the coffee I made for myself without wallowing in the sads that I used to have someone who made the coffee on the weekend. In fact-I didn’t even think about that. A rarity. With both girls gone and the boy being allowed to sleep in the house was quiet. A quiet I enjoyed. The silence didn’t haunt me. I took my coffee and my Netflix in bed and enjoyed the solitude. 

The day loomed but not menacingly so. I could do what I wanted. I snuck in a few chores but managed to allow myself to chill out a bit too. No hurry. No one have-to’s. Just took the day as it came. 

Even the every-other-Sunday drop off didn’t go so bad. We managed the daddy to mommy transition without drama by doing it at the pool. 

My fridge is stocked with colorful veggies to keep me on track next week. I even managed to make a recipe with some old bananas to insure I eat my breakfast points. I don’t have that typical Sunday dread of not being prepared for the week ahead. 

One of my summer-sads was missing a Sunday evening family cookout. Used to be we’d grill burgers sip an adult beverage on the porch as weekend drew to a close. So tonight I am sipping s ginger ale and banana rum on my own deck while lighting the grill on my own. No reason I can’t re-create a happy summer memory all by myself.  I have no idea what I am doing-I’ve always left the grilling to the men in my life but…but today I am trying it on my own and I am okay with that. If it doesn’t work I make them inside on the stove and try again another day. I even managed to stay on track thanks to a turkey burger and some tomato/cucumber/feta salad chilling on the fridge. I may just pick some basil of the plant I am growing and remwmbering to water. I even replaced fries with roasted vegetables. I miss the grown up conversation but it’s not the paralyzing “miss” that makes it hard to breathe. It’s just the matter of fact-that was then and this is now kind of miss. 

Next week I start a summer schedule of 4-10’s. Help in the manner of my mom is coming for a few days so I don’t have to worry so much about the first half of the week. Sigh. Every little bit helps. 

Big girl just joined me on the deck with her book. It’s nice. This NEW summer night. The grill smells of before and the quiet chilling company of a girl and her book is now. 

So today I am okay. And okay is a nice place to be. 


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