The decision to divorce was mine. The reasons were ours. I felt like it was the only choice-the only option left.
Right or wrong I’ve lived with that decision. Some agreed with it and others didn’t. Like politics there are always 2 sides.
I don’t second guess my decision a lot…I can’t. Regrets take up space and energy and I don’t have an abundance of either.
But I do live with that decision every day.
There are times, like tonight, when living with that decision is hard.
Tucking my little bug in I asked about the bear part of her day. Her answer, “going to my daddy’s friends.” And then went on, in detail, to tell me about her adventures with the pretty lady with curls in her hair who asked her questions about her gymnastics and liked to sit close to her daddy. She told the story as a 6 year old sees things so I didn’t understand some things but others were abundantly clear. The clear part was a fun-filled day she spent with another woman’s family.
And I was jealous.
Jealous that my bug saw a total family day that I wasn’t a part of. Jealous that she saw hugs from adults that like one another. Honestly Envious that he moved on and while I was left living with my decision-alone.
I should be glad she had an adventure. And maybe a small part of me is. I am happy she met someone that was kind to her. I am pleased to know that she got to see that adults can spend time together and be happy at doing so.
I let her tell her story and didn’t ask questions. Didn’t show any emotion. I told her I was happy she has new friends and happy she had a good time. I praised her for being brave enough to go off the diving board and made the proper sounds of amazement that this family had a pool right in their backyard. I am confident she didn’t know or see the sad that washed over me as she told me about the best part of her day. And she won’t see. Her happiness shouldn’t make me sad. And it doesn’t.
But living with my decision does.
Not because it was the wrong decision. Given the circumstances I made the best decision I could for me and mine. I don’t, can’t, back down from that. But that decision changed my life. That decision changed their lives. And now that it is over and done seeing how differently his life and mine are rebuilding isn’t easy.
I don’t fault him for recreating his. It hurts a little how easily it seems to be for him to do so but I don’t fault him. I don’t fault the pretty lady with curly hair either. I fell for him once too. I don’t fault anyone but that doesn’t make it easier.
Living with my decision means I have to share. I share my daughter every other weekend and once per week. My decision meant I wasn’t with her when Santa visited last year. I wasn’t the one to take her trick or treating in the costume I made for her. I wasn’t the one that got to play in the sea and sand or see her wonderment at holding a live star fish. And now I have to share the “best part of her day”.
Making the decision was hard. I thought it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I was wrong. Living with the decision is far harder.