I post a lot of happy, smiling pictures. They are true.
I try to put a comic spin on the daily dramas that make up our days. Those are true. Very true.
I celebrate victories and see the good, the amazing, the wonder of little moments. Again-those are true moments in our lives.
But there is another side of my truth. The side that isn’t pretty or “shareable”. But it’s true too.
The truth is that I don’t do unstructured time well. On days with nothing planned I struggle. I struggle to get out of bed. That is another of my truths.
I am lonely. I am sad. I miss being a part of a partnership. It hurts my heart that my daughter meets lots of her daddy’s “friends”. My life as a mom is full and complete. My life outside of motherhood is empty. I don’t have a hobby. No outside interest. Outside of my babies I….well there isn’t much outside of my babies.
I abhor Friday’s because I am afraid of weekends. Friday is a chill day meant for relaxing and kicking back to celebrate ending a week. I don’t know how to relax and kick back. I know how to function with a task or a plan. Without one I just feel lost.
And I hate it.
But it’s true.
I am blessed with family. Blessed with helpful babies. Blessed with a job that pays my bills and allows me to feed and clothe my children. I know this. I am thankful. I say my prayers and never forget to be thankful and appreciative for all I have.
But being thankful and blessed doesn’t change that I am cursed with sadness. Sad about things that I seem helpless to fix. Sad to be such an introvert when I want to be someone comfortable in social settings. Sad to be alone when life is meant to be a partnership. Sad to have so many blessings in my life yet still feeling so Sad. Sad to not know what my life looks like when my babies are gone.
That’s part of my truth.
There are days when getting out of my bed seems like more than I can do. I usually do it anyway because I am accountable and hard working and accept my responsibilities. But there are days when I can’t. Weekend days when my little bug is away and my bigs are living their lives–as they should.
I try to let no one see that part of me. It’s shameful and embarrassing to admit but it’s there. I’ve always prided myself on “picking myself up by the bootstraps” and getting on with it. But every once in awhile those bootstraps break and I just wallow.
Self-pity? Maybe. Overwhelmed? Probably. Scared? Definitely. Lost? Yep.
The other day someone said “it must be nice to not have a care in the world.” I looked around to see who they were taking to but I was the only one standing there. I laughed and asked what they were talking about. They explained that they see my Facebook and read all the victories and see all try smiles and always thought to themselves how different their life was from mine. It wasn’t the time to go into my laundry list of worries and frets and stresses and woes. Instead I just told them that there is always more to life then what you see on Facebook. There are 2 sides to every story.
And so this is the other side of my story.