You’ve reached your destination…

The wrong turn that broke me…

I’ve missed 2 basketball games. My daughter was understanding the first time. The second her feelings weee hurt and, even though she didn’t mean it to, it showed. “I nailed my roundoff into a split. Everyone said it was great. You missed it.” I didn’t think I could feel worse than I already did. I was wrong. 

Today I was determined to not miss a single cheer. I went through my day at warp speed to get as much done as possible so i could leave on time. I apologized about deadlines I was going to miss because there was no way humanly possible to get it all done and still make the game. Is disappointed her twice. I let her think she wasn’t my priorty-TWICE- and I wouldn’t do it again. For once work would have to wait. 

I left semi in time. I raced across town to get my youngest daughter then raced across 2 counties to the spot of the away game. Traffic was what one would expect for 5p on Friday. I gripped the steering while and silently begged cars to move so I could be there as the game started.  When the time passed that would signal they start of the game and I was still in the car I changed my silent pleas to “let me get there before she does her 1/2 time routine!”

Navigation had be turning this way then that way until I had no idea where I was. I can’t describe My relief when the voice said,”destination will be on your right”. Nor can I describe my devastation when I made the right turn into an empty parking lot.

I called my girl. Message. 

I cursed myself. 

I cursed the universe. 

I assured my young one that mommy would figure this out. 

I used my phone to look up the calendar on the schools website. Resourceful, right?  I squinted ans attempted to read the small script since my glasses were on my desk where I’d frantically tossed them in an attempt to escape. If I squinted just right I could make out the entry. Saw the mistake. The calendar pointed to another school in another county. I punched to address into the phone and took off like a rocket. I’d messed up but I could stopl fix it. 

I drove like a bat out of hell. I wouldn’t make the start of the game but my god I would make some of it. Actions speak louder than words. She would see me there and know I was proud of her. She would see me and know I loved her. She would see me and know that SHE was my priority!!!

Does this look like a school?

“You have arrived at your destination,” chirped my phone. Do you see a school??? Yeah, me either. 

I called my girl. Message. 
I cursed myself. 
I cursed the universe. 
I assured my young one that mommy would figure this out. 

I re-punched in the address and squealed the tires as I floored it in an attempt to get to my girl. 

Finally-7 minutes later we arrive. I slid sideways to then car like the Dixie Lee. The car was still rocking to a stop when I grabbed my little one and ran to the door. Try and give me a ticket. We burst into the gym, ignored the lady taking up entrance money and flew to the stands. I glanced at the clock. It wasn’t 1/2 time. I had done it!!!!!! I literally took my first deep breath of the day. I searched the gym for my girl so she would know I had made it. 

Recognize anyone?

See MBMS on the jersey? Yeah. Me neither. I was at the wrong school. When you don’t have on glasses a 7 looks like a 9. This was the team they played Wednesday, 12/7 not Friday, 12/9. I blink back tears, grab my bewildered daughters hands and turn to leave the gym. A mom made the mistake of making eye contact. “I’ve been to 2 schools in 2 counties and I still don’t know where my daughter is playing?!?” She looked at me like I’d lost my mind. 

I made it to the sidewalk before bursting into tears. 

I called my girl. Message. 

I cursed myself. 
I cursed the universe. 
I assured my young one that mommy would figure this out. 
I sobbed. 

I’d left work undone so I’d failed there. I had no idea where my daughter was. Fail. My son had to give up a hunting trip because his boss had frantically and desperately called him after being short staffed. Though that wasn’t my fail I felt the weight of it. It was my fault he had to work while in high school and I feel guilty because of it. Fail. My daughter was seeing me cry. Fail. And I still didn’t know where my daughter was. Mega fail. 

I didn’t know where else to go. After a few minutes I punched in my home address and let the British  navigational voice guide me home. 

My baby girl feel asleep so I called my friend who listened while I cried and ranted and cursed the universe. My own Personal nervous breakdown hotline. 

When I got home my daughter returned my text. “At Russell-they made a new school so we aren’t at the old one.” 

She’s riding the team bus home. I missed a third game. No where in my motherhood code is this alright. No. Where. Letting my children down is not something I would ever intentionally do. But I have. And I don’t know how to fix it.  Luckily I have amazing kids. My son was disappointed at having to miss a trip but he he took it knew stride. “I can’t leave them stranded. They need me. I have to go.” My girl won’t let me know how sad she is that I haven’t seen their new cheer or her round off into a split. I know she’s disappointed and she knows I know but she won’t show me. 

Work sees me a “high strung”and edgy. My kids see me stressed and grumpy. My team sees me not getting all my items done in time. My laundry runneth over…my house is a mess…there’s shopping to do and things to wrap and holiday joy to find. There are memories that need making and merriment that is supposed to be had. There are cheerleaders to feed and secret Santa prestents to buy. And all that falls on me. Me. But I am running on fumes. Literal fumes. After weeks of mega doses of this and shots of that I was supposed to be feeling perkier and energized and more like ME.

 But I am not. And I gotta find the get up and go to get up and go one more time. Now is not the time to be be slacking off. Now,more than ever, I’ve got to prove what I offer and show what I am made of. My bootstraps are getting a little thin but here’s to hoping they’ve got a little more pull in them. 


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