I think I thought life would be all mapped out. I think I thought that you did the right thing, you follow the “rules” and viola! The path of your life magically appeared before you and your job was to stay on the path.
I think I thought life was like the yellow brick road and your job, to reach the emerald city, was to stay in the path. On the path you would overcome obstacles, you would have triumphs but all those things would happen on the path.
But real life isn’t oz and I am not Dorothy. And…is the emerald city really where I am heading?
Was my concept Naive? Probably
Was my concept Stupid? Definitely
Was my concept wrong? Absolutely
There is no map. There is no clear path. I don’t even know if there is a single destination. There are just a series of choices that bring you to a place other than the place where you were. Some choices are yours. Some aren’t. Some you know are happening. Some you don’t. Sometimes you look around at where you are and ask yourself how the hell did I get here? Usually followed by the question …and how to I get out of here?
But what if you don’t know where to go?
I’ve learned there is no Garmin, no google map, no gps to guide you to your next destination in life. Some people may have guides helping them from one choice to another but most don’t. Some people have champions-people that clear the way so the path is uninhibited and clear. Most do not.
Sometimes choices are clear…you have to make one. You have to move because the place you are doesn’t exist anymore. Those are easy. You move forward. Period. You put one foot in front of the other and you make one choice at a time until you find yourself on a place where you can be-a place where you can be and be still for a bit. Those paths, those crossroads are easier to navigate.
Sometimes it’s not clear. Sometimes the place you are is still there but you don’t know if it’s the place you are supposed to be. Sometimes you feel like you are supposed to make a choice but the choice isn’t clear. It isn’t emergent. Sometimes not making a choice is the choice that sets you in a different path to a new place.
How do you know?
I envy the people who let faith be their guide. Those that don’t question each choice but who simply know where they are meant to be. Those that can give up all doubt and simply trust that they know when and where to move and who trust that the choice they are to make will be clear to them. Those are the people who have peace.
I have faith but I don’t have that level of faith. I want to. I’ve learned to simply pray “please let me know and understand the path you have meant for me so that I can find peace.” The problem is that I haven’t learned to be still and know. I haven’t learned to let go and let God as the saying goes. I tend to still overthink, over analyze and over fret about each choice, each step and each decision. I stay and fight but worry I shouldn’t. I give in and give up but then worry that makes me weak. I stay but wonder if I should go. I go but then wonder and worry that I was supposed to stay. I push and worry I should have pulled. I push when a pull might have been the better option. I go “big”and then wonder if life would be better if I took a smaller steps. I tiptoe but am anxious wondering if I should have run. Sometimes I worry I am wandering in circles instead of walking the path I was meant to be on.
Is it possible to be lost and not know it?
Is it possible to feel lost but be exactly where you are meant to be?