It’s been a big weekend…Friday night was the last regualer season basketball game against our biggest rivals. It was my turn to feed the cheeeleaders. Ham sandwiches on Hawaiian bread, cheese ritz crackers and chocolate chip cookies and Capri suns. And guilt. Normally I do team treats each year. This year I didn’t. No handmade bows or t-shirts. NADA. So at the last minute I bought disposable containers and used pain pens decorate them with MBMS and GO BOLTS. (And I prayed no one would tell kinsley it was cheesy). 

The grandparents and best cuz made the trip to watch. Their reward? A Publix sub and a water handed to them in the stands during 1/2 time of the girls basketball game. Quality.
As soon as the halftime dance was finished we all jetted across town to catch the last swim meet of the season. The NOHS TITAN TIDE won the area championship for the 3rd year in a row. 

I missed the celebrations because mid-way thru the swimmeet baby girl got sick. Someday I’ll find the “momma you got to drive faster” followed by “too late momma…you didn’t go fast enough and now I have a mess” funny, but not yet. Too soon. 

Saturday I busied myself getting ready for the daddy/daughter dance that due to scheduling issues has become the grandpa/granddaughter dance. It took all day but we’ve about maxed  out the tacky quota. We’ve got enough sparkles and glitz to keep the 6th year old happy even though her mommy nor her daddy will be there for her big night. 

Being me, I also spent Saturday obsessing over the state swim teams swag. Can’t send them off with nothing, right? Why I’ve proclaimed myself SWAG MOM is beyond me. Candy, a sheriff escort and individual posters later I find myself stressing over “is it enough?” My wallet is screaming YES IT IS ENOUGH while the mom in me is asking maybe the is more I can do. 

Sometime during the next week the playoff games will occur. With my luck it will be Friday night. Because Friday night is the grandpa/granddaughter dance AND the state swim meet in Atlanta…why wouldn’t the last basketball game be the same night? As good as I have become at being in multiple places in the same night (Friday night) not even I can be in Atlanta, Bogart and Winder at the same time on the same night. Thank goodness I have reinforcements! Grandparents to the rescue. 

I am lucky. I am blessed. My children are incredible and talented and special. We have a roof over our heads and food on our table. And as long as I am busy I am okay. But then Saturday night happens or Sunday morning…times when I am not busy. And those are the hard times. Those are the times that I am uber aware that I am a single mom. Having to call for help because I can’t be everywhere. Because there is no dad in the house to tag team dances and basketball games and swim team swag. Commercials advertising “happiness is being married to your best friend” or ads depicting full families laughing and having fun are constant reminders of what I am missing. And in the wee hours of Saturday night you wonder “what did I do so wrong?” What makes me unlovable? I know, I know….pity party sentiments…but it happens. Every weekend. Weekends when I want sushi and a beer but what fun is sushi and beer at a table for one? Weekends when I’ve gone 90 to nothing all day and it would be so nice to sit back, feet up and have adult conversation and let someone else shoulder rhe load for just a minute. Just one minute. 

I am lonely. And I feel guilty for being lonely when I have so much to be thankfu for. But it’s there. At 1a, 2am and 4am I wonder what I’ll do in the next 18months when there are no more swim meets and no more swag needs to fill the weekend? I worry about who will understand when I cry during graduation. There won’t be an arm around my shoulders for me to lean into. 

I have a very full life. But it’s a lonely life. Usually I can tamp it down, forget about it, ignore the hurt. But then things get quiet and it’s there. Loneliness. 

This isn’t the life I expected. It’s not what I wanted. Wah-wah-wah…right? Sometimes I get mad…what did I do to deserve this? Most times I get sad…why am I unlovable? Sometimes I am conflicted…a lot of times I am hurt. Occasionally I am frustrated. 

I see other lives going on. I see others with people, 1/2 of a couple, and having sushi and beer with other adults. People I used to love loving and being loved by other people. That’s not easy. It’s the nature of things. It’s the way it goes. It’s the price I pay for the decisions I had to make…but it’s not easy. 

Most of the time I am resigned…resigned to this life which is 80% wonderful. I try to focus on that 80%. I do. But in the dark and the quiet the 20% that is missing feels so much larger. No matter how hard I try to convince myself the glass is 1/2 full sometimes, just sometimes, I can only see what’s missing. 


2 thoughts on “80/20

  1. You are not in any way unlovable, you are busy. So busy. In the way I think only a single parent can be. The paradox here is that you want someone to help fill the loneliness and shoulder the load but you’re too busy to take the time to find such a person and develop that relationship. I know, I’m there too. I haven’t quite figured out what to do about it either.

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