Too old to date or text

Reason 799 why not to try and date at my age…

DING…a notice appears on my phone reads “your students grade has dropped”.

Oh heck no!

We’ve had to bust bad on the little fella. He’s stretched pretty thin and he grades are showing wear and tear. So much so that we’ve pulled him out of the pool. His “I got this” holds no water any longer so I am monitoring his grades with a stealth that the CIA would envy.

I grabbed my phone copied the message…or so I thought. Quickly I opened  the thread to him and his father…from the last tirade about his grades. Let me point out that his father is my ex-husband (for anyone keeping track). This will matter in about 3 seconds.

I am mid email. I have my office phone to my ear. I am a multitasking machine!

I press paste, click send on the email and disconnect from my call. In the midst of all of this I hit send. As my finger makes contact with the screen I see the dreaded phrase “match.com” Instead of NOHS. Before I could do anything but panic -ZIP-swoosh-and it was gone.

I am a multitasking failure.

I had just sent a Match.com message from one of my matches to my son and my ex-husband. Mortified I waited….

….I didn’t have to wait long.

Beep “go girl” reads to text from my ex. I wanted to slip into a hole and hide forever.

Beep “way to get out there mom” says the boy. Now I just wanted to die.

I hurriedly texted…”that was a mistake. The point is your falling GRADE”.

Yeah…that really stopped the diluge of taunts and teases being electronically thrown my way.

There are seriously 799 reasons NOT TO DATE at my age. The only reason to date is that I teach my kids you can’t complain about a problem if you aren’t working on a solution. I’ve written a lot about my problem of being lonely and not having a life outside of my kids. ‘Time to put my money where my mouth is’as my mama says.

I know no one single. Either my friends know no one single or they don’t think I am “date able”. I don’t do anything but work and shuttle children. I am not now, nor have I ever been, a bar fly. Although I need to-I don’t frequent gyms. I haven’t bumped into any eligible bachelors at Kroger. I was out of ideas.

So match.com seemed to be the only solution available to me. Be a solution, be a part of the solution…I repeated to myself as I created a profile and added a picture.

It’s been a few weeks. And what an experience it’s already been! I’ve been humiliated to have been viewed but not “liked”. I’ve been scared by a few of the freaks that have appeared in my matches. Literally scared. I’ve been perplexed as to what the match.com algorithm possibly was thinking as matched (and I use the term loosely) to an obvious Meth head, the stoner or the scarey 60year old dude who’s profile picture was him bare chested (I just threw up a little bit) in the mirror with his tongue sticking out. I won’t even tell you his screen name. {{shudder}}

There are reasons 15-27 right there!  Don’t get me started on the 772 other ones.

But I also teach my babies not to quit. 29 days I promised myself. I’ll give it 29 days. In case you are wondering–you have to renew after 30 days and there was no way I was paying to be humiliated again. Yes–it cost money to be rejected and insulted these days.

Then I got a semi-normal message. Not from Prince Charming and certainly not from the love of my life. But semi-normal, sarcastic profile of a gentleman who seemed to find this process as absurd as I do.  I guess I saved it. I honestly don’t remember doing it but I must have since I sent it to my son and my ex-husband. 

Chew on that a moment. I am texting my son to lecture him on a failing grade. I include his father because I’ve always tried to co-parent. And me…ms boring…me ms no life…me ms private…me ms didn’t date when I was young, single, skinny and interesting. Me. Sent them proof that I was part of the horrors of online dating. The humiliation! The agony!!! And there wasn’t a single thing I could do about it but ride out the endless razing and mockery that were blowing up my phone.
Is it to late to retract my parenting words of wisdom??!! I want to be a quitter and stay lonely and boring and NOT embarrass myself so publicly ever again.

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