So proud, in fact, that I am sitting on my new to me couch, in my calm and relaxing den, sipppng on some currahee vineyard wine, listening to my crackling candle with the dog curled up at my feet. And I am not lonely.
My son came home from spring break and immediately made plans for the evening. My baby girl is at a party with with a band and a jumpy house in another state with people I used to call family. My big girl is being spoiled with shopping sprees. It’s the 6th night in a row I’ve been all alone. That’s gotta to be a first for me.
Last night I had dinner with some friends. Friends I’d been too busy to catch up with until For weeks. After my 60th work hour this week-I drove to downtown Athens. Fought the crowds (there was a graduation down there for gods sake!) I walked 6 blocks. I toured the restaurant twice before texting “where are you?” They replied with the name of the restaurant I was in. But they weren’t there! I asked the hostess if he had tabled a group of Women waiting on someone. He had not. He then mentioned there were 3 locations if said restaurant in town. I uttered a not-so-ladylike word and embarrassedly exited stage right.
“We have wine waiting” was all they said when I admitted my faux paus.
Eventually I made it to the RIGHT restaurant. Where, as promised, they waited. With wine. Multiple bottles. My tribe is amazing. I hadn’t seen them very much lately and was honestly worried about the dinner. Silly me. Within 2 sips of wine we were caught up, laughing (or crying) depending on who was talking. It felt Like 5 minutes instead of 5 weeks since we had seen one another. These were the woman I trusted enough to let call BS when BS it was. These were the woman who knew my pain. This same group of woman also knew my strengths and reminded me of them. A lot. The me they see is always new to me. I like the woman they see!
Every one of these ladies had seen me through a tough time. They’d each done something extraordinarily kind for me. So it felt good when I bought dinner. I gave the waiter a tip that left him smiling because that’s what my friend would have wanted. Not money back or gifts in kind. They are generous because that’s their spirit. Last night I got to be generous too. I left smiling. They had me smiling. I gave our waiter smile. Paying it forward. Being able to do so is a little new to me.
This weekend has been about independence of sorts. I’d worked incredibly hard and had completed an extremely hard task. A task that everyone would have screamed about had it gone wrong. The fact that it was a non-event actually meant that my months of hard work had paid off. The pride I felt was a little new to me.
I’d been bold and brave and asked my friends to dinner. I’d given myself the gift if making my home something I could be proud of. I felt strong again.
So strong that I canceled the dating subscription that had me so depressed. My friends had, as always, amazing advice. Don’t look for a companion to make me happy. Start recreating a me that I can be proud of and the happy will come.
I feel like I started today. My brand-new-to-me couch, in my relaxing den with pretty floors helped. So did the wine. So did last nights company. They gave me the courage to be by myself without being lonely. They reminded me that no one else can make me happy. That’s up to me.
Tonight I am looking around my sweet cozy house and I am not beating myself up because it’s small. I am celebrating that’s it’s mine and that I did this on my own. I see feminine touches. I see things that make me smile. I see eclectic little touches that not everyone would find enchanting-but I do.
It’s funny how sometimes you have to look at the same old things with new eyes to appreciate what’s there. My den is new to me. My couch is new to me. My comfort at being home, alone, again, is new to me.
New to me is a good place to be