It’s been a hard but rewarding week to be a mom.
My baby girl is still sad. We are talking a lot about heaven and missing miss Brittany. Today she asked if we could call her. Everyday she asks a question in a different way that I think she’s hoping I’ll say yes to…can I call her? Will I see her? Each time I have to say no it makes her sad all over again. “I miss her” she keeps saying. All I can say is I know baby.
It hasn’t all been sad. She’s smiled some. Tonight she even managed to dance and dab through a soccer game.
But she’s back in my bed. She is still tender enough that I feel like I need to protect her. She is a sweetheart with a sweet heart.
My big girl spent the week learning cheers and bolstering her courage go try out for the North Oconee High School cheer squad. Today was the day. I hid cards on all of her many bags with messages like “no matter what happens I am so proud of you” and “you are amazing, spirited and incredible no matter how the day ends”. I wanted to be positive but realistic. 69 girls. Girls who has longer cheer backgrounds, tumbling lessons and years of experience.
She was proud of her tryout. And we talked a long time about that being enough. She was brave for trying. Strong for believing. Precious as she performed and showed great work ethic as she practiced upstairs well after her bedtime last night when she thought I didn’t know. I told her that was enough. She was a good sport and pretended to believe me.
I am not sure who was more nervous…me or her…as we waited 45 minutes for the list to post. I lie. I was more nervous. I was petrified. I practiced my “this does not determine your worth” speech a thousand times in my head. Until she turned to me and said,”If my name is not on that list just let me get in the car. No pep talks. No talk. Okay. Just be normal. Just take me home. I’ll be okay. No pep talks, okay?” Well hell-I’d worked to hard on one! But I agreed.
When the list posted girls, still on tryout attire, complete with required bows swarmed. I got out of the car holding my breath. I saw girls look, quietly turn and brisk walk away fighting back tears. I didn’t see my girl. My baby girl said,”I think I hear her momma. I hear kinsley!!” Crying or cheering I wanted to ask. I went to my toes to try and catch a glimpse.
I am the mom of a North Oconee High School junior varsity cheerleader.
That makes me proud. It makes me prouder still that she whooped once when she made it but restrained from saying anymore because she was aware that not eveyone around her got the same good news. A sweetheart with a sweet heart.
Sitting at my desk yesterday I get this text.
Later that same day my sweet boy comes to my office. Presents me with a Reese’s cup and a Diet Coke. To help ease the sting? He gave me his 1/2 smile-the one he saves for me-and gently broke the news: He had received his senior portrait packet. He said when he got it he turned to his BFF and said,”this is gonna kill my mom.” He wasn’t wrong. But he came to tell me, in person, and bought me my favorites. A sweetheart with a sweet heart.
Tonight I read a letter, from a college expressing interest in my fella. A school with a swim team. A school that liked his swim times. A school in Wisconsin. Ah hell no was my immediate reaction. But on reality…well…it won’t be my choice.
My babies all faced something this week. And I faced it right along with them. Each heartbreak, each nerve wracking moment, each victory and each milestone. It’s been a big, hard, rewarding week. A big week to be a mom.