I am a semi-sufficient, indecent, single lady. But there are a few things that make me understand that there is a reason why life was meant to be lived in pairs.
I was brushing my teeth when I noticed a black dot where a black dot had never been. Right at the lovely intersection of arm and pit. I had to find a pair of reading glasses to check it out. Even then I wasn’t sure it wasn’t an errant piece of confetti. I’d recently let my 7 year old decorate for my nieces birthday. She’d used an entire bag of confetti. I know have confetti everywhere and I do mean everywhere!
But this wasn’t shiny.
I had to take off my reading glasses, take out my contacts and put on my Coke bottle glasses to get a proper look. Getting old is hell.
Properly bespectacled I saw it was not glitter. I let out a very wimpy, every girlie squeal. It was a little embarrassing. But the glitter had legs. I was 100% freaked out.
“You got this,”I said to myself in the mirror. “Deep breaths. Think.”
Suffocation! I just couldn’t remember with what. Just for future reference stress reliving bath gel globed into toilet paper (I was out of cotton balls) DOES NOT suffocate. Suprising, right. I tried it 3 times just to be sure. The tick was still there but I wasn’t nearly as a stressed after the 3rd failed attempt.
Fire!!! Burn their booty and that sucker will let go. Problem. I couldn’t see well enough to hold a flame to the derrière of a bug.
I am resourceful. I had toothpicks! So I lit one up. And aimed toward the black dot. I missed.
If at first you don’t succeed….
I tried and missed again.
Now I couldn’t make out the tick from the ashy residue of burnt skin. But I tried. Again. And again. And again.
At this point I had a very brief, very ridiculous melt down. I’ve birthed 3 babies…1 with a worn out epidural. I’d pushed a washer and dryer down the street (I’ve told that story). I’ve run the warrior dash for Pete’s sake! And I conquered every obstacle. And I can prove it-
‘This is the reason god meant for people to live in pairs!’ I thoght. No one should have to get their own tick off. I know, I know…ridiculous. Hey we all have our breaking points!
So I had a moment.
It’s a tick. Not a nuclear bomb! I acknowledge the absurdity of my moment. Next to the inability to program my remote and my freak out over the snake in my garage THIS MOMENT was kicking my single-mom-bad-@$$ demeanor.
I honestly considered leaving it until I could visit our work Health clinic for professional removal. But I knew I wouldn’t blink much less close my eyes with this THING attached to my armpit. I contemplated enlisting my son but quickly disguarded that idea. No boy should ever have to get a bug out of his moms armpit!
Anticlimactic ending. In the end I grabbed tweezers and yanked that sucker out. One more obstacle overcome. I will admit to doing a little happy dance when it was over.