Lesser of the evils

Outfits laid out. Snack packed. Folder signed. Glasses in book bag. Boo-yah. Ready to rock this mom thing. 

And then…

She decides to tie her own shoes. 

Yes she is 7. Yes she is in second grade. If you have any thoughts on that I will happily let you borrow her for a few hours to see how well you fare. 

But hey-I was going to rock this mom thing, right. “Great!” I said. 

First try: “almost”

Second try: “so close”

Third try: “ahhh man…you almost had it that time”

Fourth try: “don’t get frustrated! Keep trying”

Fifth try: “oh…you think another pair of shoes might help?”

Sixth try: “okay-we won’t count that one since it’s the first time you’ve tried it with those shoes”

Seventh try: “um hmmmm”

Eighth try: “yes I am watching but I had to put on my shirt!”

Ninth try: “around, around and through…I know you can do it but maybe if I just show you one more time”

Tenth try: “loop, loop, cross and thru….no I didn’t change the way you do it!”

Eleventh try: “aroundandthruaroumdandthruaroundandthru…”

Twelfth try:”let me help. We will try tonight. It’s late.”

Thirteenth try: I did not say “for gods sake let me do it!” I wanted to. But I didn’t.

Fourteenth try: I somehow refrained from banging my head against the wall. “Let me…”

Fifteenth try: “I said LET ME DO IT”

Sixteenth try: “if you don’t come back here…”

Eventually I tied the shoes. Eventually I got her into the car. Yes the teachers might have already gone inside. And yes, that might mean that technically she was late. But if she ran real fast with her tied Tennis shoes she could still make it before the teacher shut the door. That’s what I told her anyway. Technically it was possible even if it wasn’t probable. 

Why yes…being last in the car rider line did indeed put me in bumper to bumper traffic for the pre-k down the road and the middle school. It’s funny how Looooonnnngg lines of cars impact travel times. Let’s just say it’s a good thing I don’t punch a clock any longer. 

And has I known how the day was going to go I might have just stayed home until she tied her own shoes. 

I am pretty sure I got dissed today. Someone saying…oh…that’s your? Think I’ll have it. 

I got called in to handle a situation that had me looking around for a candid camera and someone saying “gotcha”. When that didn’t happen I had to nod in agreement when the person across from me said, deadpan, ‘you can’t make this sh$& up!’

And that was the 2nd issue you could say that about. People are crazy. And stupid. And strange. I mean 10gallons o’ crazy in a 5 gallon bucket. 

And had I known my blood work would come back for my hospitals wellness plan I really would have stayed home until BOTH shoelaces were tied!

It’s dumb to take someone’s blood pressure after they weigh. It wasn’t 200/100 like it was after the japense hornet but it was close. It was bad. It was very bad. 

In case I was a moron and didn’t understand HOW bad the wellness program made sure it was crystal clear. I mean no chance for misunderstanding. No vagueness. No maybe. No kind of. Nope. Straight up. You are obese. And to make matters worse…to add insult to injury…there was the little antimated line that went up, up, up until it was at the very, very end of the red. Just in case I missed the point You are obese message. 

Oh…and since my blood pressure came right after the weigh in…I didn’t qualify in the healthy blood pressure range so I didn’t get healthy points for that. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am large. Know it. Want to change it. Know I need to change it but dad-gum. They could have softened the message a wee bit! I had to cut off the YOU ARE part for fear you see my BMI. Think it is higher than my  IQ at this point. Remember that slogan ‘aim high’? That must have made an impact because oh-boy am I high. 

And just in case I missed it there was a helpful message about the impacts of being obese. Yeah. Got it. Got the XL tee shirt to prove it. 

Speaking of which…on the way out I think she was trying to boost my sagging spirits when she said,”I have tee shirts!” In front of me was a shelf with small, medium and 2xl. “Guess not in your size.” I suppose I should count it as my a+ moment that she didn’t hand me the 2xl. 

Needless to say when we rushed in the door at 6:47 I didn’t even argue when I heard,”let’s try this again.” It’s definitely the lesser of today’s evils. 

Side note: she tied her shoe once by herself. She asked me to take a video in case she did it again so she could show “everybody and my teacher”


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