Outside my door there are bursts of laughter and merriment. As it should be. My big girl and her guy and another couple are ringing out the new year together.
One is the guests is the son of a man I used to hang out with while our parents rang in the new year. Funny to think about his dad and I using plastic flutes full of sparkling cider more years ago than I care to count.
My big fella is itching to go out with a friend. To a party. I hate the idea. So he’s playing x-box and pouting while I try and figure out if I feel guilty or not.
Little girl is cuddled up next to me in her “puter” her little purple computer while I spend a little quality time with Netflix.
The house is clean and smelling nice. A big pot of baked speaghetti is cooked with a spare all ready to go. These boys are eaters! Chocolate pie ready to be cut and 4 bottles of faux champagne (sparking cider) ready to pop. I am proud of myself for letting her have her friends. I don’t do company well but this is making her happy which makes me happy. Laughter and good smells wafting out of the kitchen make this a home–not a house. I like that.
“So long, farewell…” the sound is music ditty plays in my mind.
This year will not go out with a bang. It’s going to quietly. And as it does I am going to whisper let’s try again next year.
For next year I hope to have some of what I had this year:
- Some change (though less change wouldn’t hurt my feelings)
- More time with my tribe
- Balance–work/life, mom/me, old/new
- Glimpses of peace
- My dads bloody Mary’s
- Girl trips
- Adventure with my niece and daughters
- Fresh outlook
- Courage in all its forms
- Belief that I can be enough
- Eyes that see the glass half full or rembrence that even a 1/2 full glass can be refilled
- Words. Writing.
Resolutions aren’t all they are cracked up to be so I don’t always even attempt to make them. I do want to change some things….no I need to change some things in the days ahead.
- I want to aim a little higher
- I want to be a little lighter
- All week long I’ve yelled at my daughter “why do you spend so much time focused on the problem instead of finding a solution.” Maybe I should take some of my own advice
- Maybe I should also quit yelling.
- Lazy. Lethargic. Lonley. I’d like to change some adjectives I use to describe myself.
- Be present. Not fretting about the past or worried about the future. Just be in the moment and take it as it comes.
- Dentist. General practitioner. Mammogram. Eye exam. If I am going to be healthier I’d better get the tires kicked and the oil changed.
- I want to figure out who I am when I am not at work or with my babies.
- I’ve got to let go. My fella is going to going to start a new chapter. I’ve got to let him.
There won’t be any hoopla or grand shouts of happy new year; no midnight kisses or party horns. At midnight I’ll kiss the freckled nose of my little girl. I’ll wiggle my toes under the blanket my big daughter made for me. I’ll say a little prayer a) of thanks that my son is home safe or b) that my son stays safe (depending on the whole guilt thing). I’ll turn off the light and burrow under my lavender scented covers and I’ll drift off to sleep. Quietly.
And 2018 will start when I wake up. And what it will be is what I make of it. And anything I chose to change: will change. Anything I don’t fix or try will remain the same. Sometimes I’ll be bold and brave. Loud and strong. Someomes I’ll be quiet and steadfast. I’ll make mistakes. I’ll have some successes. I’ll stumble. I’ll fall. But I’ll soar some too. Maybe. Hopefully.
So, I whisper, farewell, 2017.